My Kentucky Home

Sunday, August 20, 2006


Tonight I saw the Extreme Home Makeover show that was about the family in Texas, whose 7 yr old daughter had cancer. It was precious. But I haven't been feeling very well the last little while. I go back in this Wed. for another check up. The little girl told one of the Designers that she wasn't ready to leave this world yet. She didn't know what heaven was going to be like. That's kind of how I'm feeling tonight. Caught between two worlds. On the one hand, I think I'm ready, if the Lord should "turn out the lights", but on the other I'm still scared of the un-known. But for me it's not really the fear of being gone from this life...but the passage into the next. I'm afraid it will hurt. That it will be a solitary journey that I'll have to travel alone...frightened...

So, while family and friends tell me how wonderful I look (which helps them to believe that I'm not really that sick), I'm laying here tonight dreading the thought of perhaps more chemo soon. I've been off drugs now, since March. And on the whole, it's been wonderful. I've really felt pretty good and had lots of energy. But just lately, I'm feeling kind of "ucky", especially after I eat. Have been taking anti-nasea drugs that help. But tonight I feel a little like I'm crawling out of my skin. Kind of antsy. Maybe I slept too much during the day...who knows. But I'm still tired.

I had all my camera equipment stolen the first night on vacation in Seattle a few weeks ago. I finally got enough money together (while I'm waiting on the insurance to process) to buy another camera. I went out yesterday and shot some more pictures. I really didn't realize how very much I missed my photo shoots until I couldn't do them for awhile. For me, they're therapeutic. Enjoy!


At 1:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Susan, what a sweet spirit you have! I have really enjoyed your photography and look forward to much more. Very sorry about your being ripped off.....that's such a bummer!
Feeling lousy and not knowing why is so much worse than knowing. Soon you will know. Soon you will be able to share it with all your comrades. Soon we will know exactly how to pray for you.
I only know what I have seen, and that is that no one really wants to leave this earth. And MOST of us fear the transition. And many of us think we will be brave and strong, and probably we will be, for others, if not for ourselves. But that doesn't make it any easier.
I know that in one way or another, we all will be fine. We will turn that corner, each in our own way. And no one knows how it will be.....I hope you can find some good things to focus on, some pieces of love that will steady you....You are not abandoned. You are not alone.
Keep us posted, Dear Susan.

At 11:04 AM, Blogger Beth said...

Hi Susan,

I hope you're feeling better. I go through those weird periods of not feeling well too. I haven't had SCT yet, but am about ready to soon, because I'm so sick of treatment.

What anti-nausea meds are you using? They gave me ativan & compazine. I find ativan to work pretty well.

Hang in there though, ok? I know we all get to a point where we feel yucky but, for some reason, it's not ok to complain! Well, complain! It's ok with us. My blog is full of it:

What kind of camera did you have? I have one I never even use. The old-fashioned kind that takes film. A Minolta SLR (500i?). If you'd like it, it's yours.


At 8:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Were there pictures with your post?

Hope you will be feeling better soon, both mentally and physically. I have times when I feel down and try to imagine what life will be like without Richard. I think I fear the process of his dying more than the actual finality of his death.

I know it's much different for you as the person with the disease. Please know you are in our prayers.


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